DEAD DIARIES OF DIARYLAND

2002-07-19 - 12:42 a.m.

Lynz starts out this diary because he's stopped smoking weed and needs something to do because he has stopped smoking weed. And it seems he must have smoked weed a lot as he now has "all kinds of time." He is writing from Santa Cruz, a town that "is pretty crazy, and my friends could be the poster children."

He's "a Resident Advisor at UCSC" who wants "to be a hip-hop DJ". And who inspires to have a music label.

This quote from an Everlast live concert cracks him up:

"How many of you are here, like on a date? God Damn! Some of y'all better start hooking up. Better start exchanging some fucking phone numbers up in this bitch."-Everlast

And besides music, Lynz says he enjoys feminism:

"My other awesome class is called Men & Feminisms.. I was raised by a single mother who was feminist and kept her last name and shit, so I have always felt a strong kinship with the movement...but I always felt like it wasnt ok...or that people wouldnt take me seriously because Im male."

One day, he makes a CD of music and shows it to a friend, but does not get solid approval:

"That is exactly why I dont like making things. I dont like her much anymore either for that matter. I dont need another critical person in my life who is so self centered that she cannot be in any way nice about something I made. Fuck her, I do not care enough about her to have her around me when all she will do is be a bitch."

Obviously, Lynz Dogg made it because he thought it was good. And if he didn't like doing it, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. People tend to do things they like to do in their spare time.

Lynz Dogg has a problem in this though. He can't take the criticism. He says he wants support, but he really only wants support that agrees with him.

He claims that she is "so self centered that she cannot be in any way nice about something I made." And so because she didn't give him an "A" on his project, he now "doesn't like her much anymore". And yet some people are so self-centered, that they won't be honest. She was honest. She might be self-centered or not, but the fact remains, she was honest.

Lynz goes on to suggest that constructive criticism is one thing, but I don't think that Lynz's friend's remarks were hypercritical. She said the only part she liked was the last bit of it. She said she *liked* something of it, just not all of it. But, to him, this is not enough. Instead of realizing that she might be giving him pointers on his strengths, what he does good, and what she doesn't really care for, he is simply offended and ignores anything that could get him to become good at what he wants to be good at. He is stunting his own growth.

And so, he basically burns a bridge with that friend.

Lynz has aspirations, but doesn't feel like he meets those aspirations.

"I guess it is just frustrating cause I am not great at any of these goals or skills I want to be good at yet...I will be, but it is all slow. I just need reassurance..."

Reassurance that he's good at things that he isn't yet good at? Or support for him to continue his pursuits and develop those skills he needs to be good at those things?

He wants both, but the two don't mix very well.

This friend does say she liked a part of it. However, he doesn't want to hear that, he wants to hear that she liked all of it or most of it. What he wants is people to say he is good at those things he wants to be good at, even if he isn't good at them yet. This attitude conflicts with growth. All it will result in is a person who isn't very good at something, but having lots of people say he is.

Its one thing to want people to support you. Its another thing to want people to praise you.

Lynz Dogg is even less sure of things when his girlfriend Andria isn't with him. And waiting to see Andria hangs over him every day. Even on a day of a large college musical event that he planned and was in charge of, he makes only little mention of it, because he is longing for his Andria. He needs her to make him feel like everything will be all right, in life, in his pursuit of music, in anything.

But they live in two different cities. Without Andria, he becomes more and more stressed; when she is around, things become elated. But those times are few.

So yeah, Ive been busy, but it seems to be this stupid cycle, I feel more stressed after having been on top of things [for the most part]...shouldnt I feel like Im getting more done? Shouldnt this make me happy? But no, I just feel more behind...it was better when I was stoned all the time and didnt know I was screwing myself...ok that is definately NOT true, but it feels that way sometimes...

He catches himself, barely in determining the fine line of things *feeling* better and things *being* better. The two aren't always the same thing.

In the diary, he endures two deaths: one of a cousin by car accident and another a friend/idol, Robert, by leukemia.

I used to be very self insulting...and said that I sucked or that I was stupid all the time...and he [Robert] made a point of telling me never to say that again because I am not stupid nor do I suck. Those words made so much of a difference in my life, and I have since used those same rebuttals on so many people I know who have done the same thing.

And thus we see yet again, that he isn't a confident creature. His friend Robert helped him perhaps more than he realizes, but he still has a way to go. Lynz is not yet at that point where he can hear, listen, and not let someone's criticism of him or his work, whether it be constructive or not, upset him drastically. He wants people to be sycophants instead of being honest.

He trains to be a tow truck driver which he throws a small fit of evil maniacal laugh. I always thought that they did. Now I have proof.

Awkwardness grows in his relationship with Andria. At one point he drives a long distance with a friend to pick her up and bring her to live in California, but when he gets there, she changes her mind about moving at that time. But! They don't break up.

Though he becomes a tow truck driver, he still has his foot in the music industry and music industry aspirations. And he does get a record label called Triple Rorte Records

And Andria ends up moving to California. And so, this diary could almost end Hollywood style. Almost. His last entry is entitled "IM STUPID".

I fucking hate weed.. Fucking 13 months in the free and clear. Stupid convincing myself I wanted to do it again. It makes me miserable and stupid... I want to move on from this night...I want it not to have happened this way. The best way I know how to do this is to step away...I am going totally sober for awhile. I dont want to be fucked up...no drinking, no smoking of any kind, [stupid me had ciggarettes today too...what the fuck]. I am going to bed now...hoping to wake up ready to face change and self-forgiveness.

-Lynz

He slips up, but he does not give up.

And his very last words are about missing Andria.

Founded - March 12, 2001 - 11:37 p.m.
Ended - April 12, 2002 - 2:48 a.m.
Entries - 43

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