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Thank You - 2005-09-06
Gone-Crazy - 2004-09-28
Astralfrog - 2002-09-01
Spooky Turtle - 2002-07-29
Jessica the Angel Poet - 2002-07-20



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DEAD DIARIES OF DIARYLAND

2004-09-28 - 10:26 a.m.

The Diary of Gone-Crazy

Gone-Crazy has been molested and abused sexually as a teenager and especially as a child.

She is haunted and tormented by these experiences.

She believes that everyone is out there trying to hurt her and "that they have to know they are doing it". She sees a "them", "they", "people" all trying to hurt her "on purpose", that they "must know" that they are hurting her, torturing her. She is convinced that everyone is out to hurt her and that they "have to know they are doing this on purpose.. why? What did I do?" And by making a lot of these questions, a despair of helplessness and passivity dominates.

Gone-Crazy doesn't seem to realize that she is anything more than just a victim.

When she takes drugs and becomes intoxicated, she blames the drugs for making her intoxicated. For instance, she remarks "i really hate drugs! what they did to me! how weak they made me."

She never says she regrets taking drugs or becoming intoxicated.

Its the drugs that did it to her in her state of mind.

Its almost as if the drugs stood up and jumped down her throat, crawled up her arms and injected themselves into her blood streams, or lit themselves with a lighter and made her inhale and exhale them. She blames them and only them and never herself. It seems if there is anything wrong in her life, whatever it is, she is the victim of it.

She is in the stalemate of depression.

Being a victim is a part of how she identifies herself.

Gone-Crazy puts forth a shield and armor and wall against everything and everyone. This armor is called "nobody can relate to me, nobody understands me". And whatever assaults or sieges are put against her way of thinking and feeling, she throws it off with "nobody can relate to me, nobody understands me." And she prevents people from trying to or wanting to understand or care. When a friend in an on-line conversation asks her what is wrong because he's noticed she is sad, she replies "if you are my true friend; then you should already know!"

True friends, according to her own definations, cannot exist.

If a friend cares, they will ask her what is wrong. People cannot read minds. Sometimes people must ask you what is wrong to know what is wrong, there is no shortcut to it.

One of her teachers tells her one day "this is your 12th grade year! you are fucking up big time!" (because she misses so many classes), Gone-Crazy's reaction is just "ya thanx alot! that is going to make me feel better!" The teacher tries to wake her up to the reality of things, which would help her not fail high school, and Gone-Crazy is offended because it doesn't make her feel better.

Gone-Crazy, for that matter, also thinks that nobody likes her at her high school, "they just pretend to be nice".

So, if anyone treats her nicely, they must just be pretending and being fake. And if anyone treats her meanly, this gives further support that everyone is out to hurt her.

She says that "I don't want to be remembered for my past" and yet almost all she remembers is her past. She frequently falls back on it. Repeatedly using "no one can relate to me, no one understands me" is using her past as as shield and wall and refusal for anything and anyone.

Really, Gone-Crazy doesn't want advice or actual feedback. She doesn't ask for advice. She seems to only want people to comfort her, to sympathize with her, to console her, to listen to her. She is a victim of abuse, but it seems she forgets that she is anything more and anything else than a victim.

There are possible inklings that she might yet change, that she might yet break her own stasis. She writes in one entry that her friend, Lauren, tells her about her new guy, and Gone-Crazy describes her own reaction rather articulately, "..i noticed outside; this one leaf twirling so fast to the ground. it was like how i felt at that moment, like nothing... just falling, plumeting to the ground." She remarks that she is "seeing everyone around me grow, and i am just still, like im going backwards in time."

But, she falls back immediately to her comfort zone in the same entry, "everybody at school and everywhere else says 'they know what i feel like' that is such bullshit!" Until she puts aside that "nobody can relate to me, nobody understands me", there is no other possibility than her own "going backwards in time", for each time this is used, it pulls her back to her identity of being a victim, it reinforces this identity and makes it dominate anything else that she is.

Her last entry is suicidal. She doesn't write after that, but, according to jonnybox, she is alive.

Founded: 2001-10-16 (time unknown)
Ended: 2002-03-27 - 9:18 p.m.
Entries - 29

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