DEAD DIARIES OF DIARYLAND

2002-09-01 - 3:11 p.m.

Astralfrog or Dave describes himself as "28, gay, american indian and canadian. i'm a professional tattooist.." He is also quite conservative and a republican. Yes, he is a gay republican.

A great source of joy in his life is his "adopted son, gabriel, that i'm raising alone" who is "biologically my nephew" but because his sister was into drugs and some circumstances were also about so he adopted him.

David plays with Gabriel or 'Gabe', jokes with him, dances with him, cheers for him, and gives him attention and praise and laughter.

With this well of happiness, Dave still suffers several traumatic blows, including several deaths of those close to him. He is shaken up by these things, but he somehow manages to breathe again and smile again.

Now, though Dave is gay, he disagrees very much with gay parades. He doesn't believe in shoving down his opinions into other people's throats. And he despises people whp rarely have opinions that they just didn't take from somewhere else like dogma. It can be philosophy or theology or people who eat up whatever the news or the media dishes out to them and who "use what they learned on cnn to bash other people, start protests, boycott companies... and all with no facts." He elaborates and writes that:

i think my real problem is that i don't like people who are obsessed with any cause. to the exclusion of anything else. i don't like christians who run around screaming that everyone needs to believe like they do or they're stupid. and i don't like atheists who run around screaming that everyone needs to believe like they do or they're stupid.

And he finds it "quite a silly thing" for people on the internet to attack other people on the internet for being on-line too. He doesn't understand "how people can honestly, truly believe that sleeping with everything in sight and drinking/smoking yourself to death is somehow a more valuable existence than sitting at home doing something else that makes a person happy."

He wishes people would let people live the way that makes them happy and "if my friends enjoy their night life and constant haze, that's okay with me, as long as they're not hurting anyone else.." But for him, "i prefer a night alone to spending an evening with people i don't particularly like just to have company" and he would "like for people to stop assuming i'm depressed if i don't want to spend every single night with them, or calling me anti-social.. because i don't like loud places.".

Astralfrog's lists are good reads that do a good job of describing his character:

I am unique because...

- I can think for myself, unlike 2/3 of the world.
- I like to sing showtunes in the shower
- I can say the alfabet faster backwards than forwards.
- I have been kicked out of a wedding for laughing when the groom promised to be faithful.
- I still think that tye-dye is in, and capree pants never were.
- I can kill an elk, but not a spider.
- I can easily admit that I know nothing, and think know-it-all's are an endless source of cheap entertainment.
- I once asked random strangers in the streets to join my "clown college" just for fun.
- I know how to use a semicolon; it's not that hard.
- I don't mind walking into the bank barefooted.
- I've never said "would you like fries with that?" even though I worked at McDonald's for a year and a half.
- I can sew AND change a tire.
- I love life, even when I'm depressed.
- I can say two things in 14 languages: "I love you" and "take your clothes off."
- I understand British humour.
- I would miss a hockey game for a good sunset.
- I am intelligent enough to know when I'm wrong, and stubborn enough not to admit it.
- I see Barbra Streissand for the demon spawn she is.
- I like to eat apple jacks with m&m's floating in the milk.
- I am convinced I will someday win the lottery, even though I never buy a ticket.
- I am not ashamed to buy Lords of Acid and Chopin cd's at the same time.
- I know the names of all seven dwarves, and none of the Backstreet boys.
- I still cry when I see "Charlotte's Web."
- I like to make monkey faces at strangers' children.
- I love the French.
- I am never afraid of 'who will see me' dancing in public.
- I have been bungee jumping nude, but never clothed.
- I have had a picnic in the highway median strip.
- I can write very long lists if promised a candy reward.

His mother becomes very sick and moves in with him and lives with him for many months. Though she was a horrible mother when he was growing up probably because of both depression and alcoholism, Dave never hates her. His father, on the other hand, was a very hateful person who treated everyone hatefully. He does not see any excuse for his father. In contrast, he is forgiving to his mother.

..i was born during a horrible period of depression for her, and i don't excuse her for not taking care of me like she should have then, but that doesn't mean we can't make good memories together once she's tried to change.

During many months of taking care of her, Dave does do it, in my opinion, very sweetly, even surprisingly sweetly -- he has plenty of reasons to be bitter or resentful, but he treats her sweetly and it is sincere. One morning, for instance, he makes "waffles for her, and put ice cream on top like she did for me when i was little. she isn't able to speak much, but the smile on her face was priceless." And one day he "finally told her that i loved her today though. she looked at me like i'd said 'there's a chicken on your head' and stared out the window a long time. then she just put her hand on my leg, and said "you're a good boy david. i don't know how you managed to turn out so good, it sure wasn't my doing."

When his mom passes away, it doesn't feel "all that real" to Dave. The day before she died, she "looked so serene.. and was smiling, even though she was too weak to speak.."

it's scary not having any parents to fall back on, blame, or be nagged by.. time is moving very slowly for me. i want to lie down and just sleep a week or two away. i know things will get back to normal eventually, but it's strange. i've spent the last six months waiting on someone hand and foot, and thinking about them 24 hours a day, and now they're gone.. i'm not sure what to do with myself, or my spare time...

Afterwards, his pace of updates drops off dramatically, and he knows it and recognizes it. He doesn't know how to pick up and start again except for letting time takes it course.

i've retreated into my own little world, and i can't seem to find the strength to reach out of it. i know i have the most loving, caring friends a person could ask for, but picking up the phone, or writing an email feels like too much effort. i've been spending a lot of time painting, and just thinking to myself. i'm not depressed... i'm just, i don't know, maybe overwhelmed?.. tonight i tried going out to coffee with a few friends from school, but i think it was way too soon. i ended up not having anything to say, and staring out the window wishing there were some quiet way i could slip out unnoticed. i was doing fine, smiling, listening... until one guy started whining about how his mother yelled at him for owning a car that doesn't run, and called her names. if i were feeling stronger, i'd probably have yelled at him. i just did my best to tune him out, and became fascinated with the condensation on my water glass. i think one of the other guys might have realized it was bothering me, and kicked him under the table, because he cut off mid-sentence and went outside to smoke for a while.

In time, his humor begins to return. Where on his 29th birthday he remarks that he "refuse[s] to have another birthday ever again. next year will just be the anniversary of the day i turned 29" And he eventually also begins to feel "more like being around people lately, even if i don't have much to say". And yet he is still effected, where he is in a state of being "relaxed, not depressed, nothing to be angry or upset over... and still feel so quiet." He knows "it'll pass" but that he wishes he could it rush it more.

His son Gabriel is the sun in his life. Throughout his diary, Gabriel makes him laugh, smile, hope, and feel motivated. Even when he is in this funk, Gabriel can make him brighten:

i realize just what a funny little boy my gabriel is today, when i was changing his diaper, and he looked up at me with big, sad eyes, and said "daddy.... daddy... need... clean ears please?" i couldn't believe he really said that!.. when i was growing up, my best friend's mother used to say "you have to love your kids, it's in the rules, but you don't have to like them. i like my kids." it made me smile.. i really do like who he's becoming. sure, he has his tantrums and all.. he's a normal toddler, but he's sweet, and polite, and sensitive. i think if i can manage not to screw him up he'll be a great person when he grows up.

Gabriel is the greatest factor in David's life. Before Gabriel, Dave suffered from anorexia and had many health problems. But because of Gabriel, Dave learned to take care of himself very quickly and for Gabriel. And motivation to do many things floods into him because of Gabriel, because he loves his son so much. Every morning, he is happy even when he hears gabe cry, because then he knows that gabe is well enough to cry. In the diary, we get entries about things like gabe's first walk and his first time saying "i love you" to Dave.:

i wake up in the morning, to the sound of my son calling me, and i smile. it never fails to shock me that i can wake up honestly glad to see another morning. it's not all sunshine and roses - he can get on my nerves. sometimes i'm very stressed and frustrated. all i have to do is pick him up and hug him, though, and it's all better. i've been very blessed. i hope i never forget that.

Regardless of your personal stance on homosexuality, I think it would be a very difficult task to say that Dave is not a great parent. The world needs more parents like him. He buys a ton of Christmas gifts for him, despite the fact that Gabriel probably wouldn't understand what it was all about, but Dave says he needs practice, he wants his son to believe in Santa Claus, because Santa Claus is magical and "children need a certain amount of magic in their lives, or they grow up to be extremely boring, or grumpy adults. i refuse to raise a boring grumpy kid."

Dave is willing to "forgive almost any personality flaw if someone is good to their children. i had a dear friend a few years ago, that i spent about two hours on the phone with every day. but when she told me that she 'just couldn't stop drinking' when she was pregnant, i never spoke to her again. i figure anyone who doesn't respect the life of their own child, isn't going to give a flying fuck about anyone else if it comes down to it, either."

From raising a son, he learns that "motivation is the key to happiness. i have a reason to work hard now: someone who depends on me to do well. i've noticed in the past few months how often i have to write out that i'm happy, and content. i marvel so much at those feelings."

And from the shock and quiet of his mother's death, he does rejoin life and he find that life has become very good to him. Many months before, he becomes re-united with his first love, j-mes. When they were young, the two were seperated by distance, but neither believe that either stopped loving the other. And over a decade later, one day, he had a nudging urge to find and make contact with j-mes again. And they do meet again. And the last that we know, they are still together, still very much in love, and still happy. And that's where he leaves us:

my life is good now, and as strange as it is, and as much as i convinced myself i wasn't keeping an angst diary, now that the stress and pain are gone... i have nothing to say. maybe it's true, that strife is what brings creativity and beauty.. there's just this restful peace settled on us now... i love painting, and i love writing, but if sacrificing my art for my happiness is a choice i can make, i'll jump on it... j'mes is moving in with me in june, and we're going to start looking into adopting another child then. i'm so happy with him; i have nothing at all to complain about... maybe i'll come back someday, but i won't make any promises now. especially if my coming back means that i'm no longer this happy. i love you all, and i love diaryland. all my best to both.

Update: Thanks to moonshine76, I have found out that Dave and J'mes are, in fact, (happily) married.

Founded: Tuesday, May 16, 2001 - 2:44 p.m.
Ended: Monday, Mar. 04, 2002 - 11:57 p.m.
Entries - 338

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